The Mother Wound is often misdirected to describe a toxic mother whose behaviors caused her children to have relationship difficulties and low self-esteem rooted in a subconscious belief that they are unloved, abandoned, unworthy of care, and even fearful of expressing themselves.
What is often lacking is context, empathy, and understanding of intergenerational trauma and patriarchal systems that women are now breaking free from. It's a wound inflicted on all women causing them to feel shame, lack, and isolation.
What if, instead, we saw the Mother Wound as a young child, the one who has been protecting her since it was first inflicted, whether consciously or unconsciously, and a version of this younger self can be unconsciously transferred to her children if she does not become lovingly aware of it and practice her creative choice to transform it.
Its Origin
The Mother Wound was created by patriarchal systems that oppress women into subservience and submission, requiring them to be perfect at all things for all people - often with a heaping side of guilt, shame, and blame if they fail to meet expectations. These oppressive expectations are layered on top of already existing societal pressures for women to be good mothers who are patient, attentive, caring, nurturing, selfless…the list goes on. And when a woman falls short of these standards - which she invariably will - she carries internalized shame and guilt as well as external judgment from family members or society at large. This toxic combination creates an environment where it can feel impossible to break free of the cycle of oppression. Most women are well-intentioned and do the best they can in raising their children and continuing to use this term as a way to blame mothers only contributes to the trivialization of women in our culture.
Intergenerational trauma is often passed down through the generations, creating further wounds on top of an already deep and complex Mother Wound. It is not only important to recognize our own mothers’ pain and struggles but also to recognize that those same traumas have had a ripple effect throughout the generations. Only by understanding this legacy of trauma can we begin to heal and break the cycle.
The Human Story
Everyone must experience wounding as it is part of the human experience. In one of his episodes in his Living Myth podcast, Michael Meade said, "Everyone in life discovers a great loss of what they thought was going to take care of them. During infancy, the child is waiting for the beautific glance from its mother or whoever is doing the mothering and nurturing. That intention is what is informing the infant that it's lovable and that it's going to be nurtured and cared for, and the moment comes, whether at the fault of the mother or not, the mother turns away. It isn't necessarily a matter of abuse. It is a matter of seeming absent or indifferent, and what happens is the sense of self begins to collapse. And then what happens is the infant produces a little self (ego) that is going to handle the world and try to make sure that that wound that was so early and so primal is never felt again."
So, no matter what a Mother does, there is no way to prevent it altogether. The child needs to experience pain to develop the ego that will one day lead them to their initiation through the darkness into their inner light- the medicine they were given to contribute towards the healing of our world.
Our Responsibility as Parents
At the same time, this wound can be softened through a Mother's (as well as a Father's) own awakening into loving awareness and self-actualization. Both parents can help prepare their child(ren) to form mindsets and practices that will equip them to meet their dragons with a more resourced self, compassion, and empowered action.
As women, let's begin to show up differently when we see or hear the Mother Wound being referenced. Instead of using it as a way to blame mothers, let's use it as an opportunity for more understanding and compassion- towards ourselves and our children. With understanding, we can create awareness that allows space for everyone to heal. With compassion, we observe that we are all connected through our shared humanity- even when it doesn’t feel like it. And with empowered action, we can create a brighter future for future generations.
If you are a mother, someone in the mother role, or a woman who desires to have children one day and are looking for support in turning toward your inner wound with loving kindness and practicing your creative choice to transform it, I'd love to help you. Together we can strive to ensure our families are safe spaces where our dearest ones can heal and grow.
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