Mama, I want you to know that you matter just as much as everyone else you care for.
I know we've been conditioned to believe that our worth depends on our ability to care for everyone else. And, as mamas, we are often so focused on caring for our families that we neglect our own needs. We put our children's needs before our own, and if we have a partner, we tend to put their needs before ours. We are being selfless and sacrificing for our loved ones by putting ourselves last.
And the way you show for those you love and care for is impressive. You have a spirit of generosity and thoughtfulness; you create a strong sense of well-being for them, and they feel seen and cared for by you.
And what you may not realize is that by not allowing yourself to matter, you are actually causing more harm than good. Not showing up for ourselves can have a trickle-down effect on our relationships with our partner and our children.
Here's why it is so essential to let yourself- your own needs and desires- matter.
When You Don't Matter, Your Relationship with Your Partner Suffers
Before we know it, we can find ourselves lost within our relationship with our partner. It's easy to become so focused on taking care of our children that we can forget how we hold ourselves within our relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and disconnection towards each other. How can this happen?
You stop connecting through play (i.e., going on dates).
You stop holding to your authenticity.
You stop asking for what you need and desire.
You stop supporting each other to have your own time.
You might even stop practicing shared commitments.
When you don't take care of yourself within your relationship, it also has a trickle-down effect on your children. They see the tension between you and their other parent and feel caught in the middle. How you present yourself within your relationship with your partner is just as crucial as how you show up in your relationship with your children.
It's important to note that this is not your responsibility alone. Your partner must also take time for themselves and invest in the relationship. If you feel like you are shouldering the entire burden, find a way to communicate with your partner about what you need from them.
And let's recognize that many mamas are raising children without a partner.
When You Don't Matter, Your Relationship with Your Children Suffers
It's also important to remember that when you don't prioritize yourself, your relationship with your children also suffers. How does this happen?
Mothers who don't take care of themselves are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety.
This can lead to negative parenting behaviors such as yelling, crying, or withdrawal.
This can cause feelings of insecurity and abandonment in children.
It's also been shown that mothers who don't put themselves first are more likely to have children who struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety and depression themselves. So by taking time for yourself, you're not only preventing future problems for yourself, but you're also preventing future problems for your children.
Even if mothers appear emotionally grounded in front of their children, kids will learn from watching their parents. If we do not prioritize our own needs, they will know. They will learn a lot about how to show up for themselves by watching how you show up for yourself.
And I want to normalize that we've all been there. If you are a mother, you know what I'm talking about. You have experienced being so busy taking care of everyone else that you forget to take care of yourself. Suddenly, you're running on empty and struggling to keep up, let alone take care of yourself.
How do we show up for ourselves? Here's a list of tips:
Do we really need another to-do list? If this is what we needed, wouldn't we already be doing it?
How many times have you seen a list of things to do to take care of yourself? Maybe it was in a magazine, on a blog, or even just written in your own journal. And how many times have you read that list and thought, "I should really do that," yet then go on with your day-to-day taking care of others and, still, it never happened?
Why don't we follow through? I believe it's Shame. A list of all the things we should or could be doing is just another way we're being told how to be as women to fit into a perfect container. It is a reminder of how we are not good enough. The more we fall into Shame, the less likely we will take steps leading to lasting changes.
In response to a tip that she could go to yoga with a friend, Christine said, "Yea, yea, yea, I know, I know. I'm supposed to make time for myself! It's better for everyone! My kids and my partner will benefit! But, in the same breath, it added to the list of many other things I'm "supposed" to do. Am I really going to go to yoga with a friend? It sounds amazing, but that's like 1 1/2 hours I'm also supposed to find and pay for. Where will that come from?"
Maggie's reaction to a tip on being healthy was, "It brings up a sense of failure if we can't do all these things to be healthy. Diet culture robs us of so much time, and how we are led to believe we owe it to society to look or be a certain way. We aren't obligated to do self-care, be "healthy," and then eat a perfect diet. There's no shame in staying up too late watching Netflix as my "me time," you know? And, if I eat fast food and don't have time for exercise, but everyone is fed, and love is present, then I am doing just fine."
The message I hope you will come away with is that YOU are exactly enough as you are right now—flaws and all. You are perfectly imperfect, just as you are meant to be. And YOU MATTER.
You hold a unique combination of competency, compassion, perspective, and wisdom. All of this is within you. Nurture yourself by embracing all aspects of yourself—things you like and the things you don't like—and learn to turn towards yourself with loving kindness- the way you already show up for others. It will be the foundation upon which you will find how to begin prioritizing yourself.
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